Light Writings: Love II

It has been a while since I write anything personal. I guess I just need an outlet to express how I feel nowadays. To be honest, things are going too good for me at the moment to the point that I am sort of living in fear for I do not want these extremely good feelings, and the love I have for him to end. If all these are gone tomorrow, there is a big probability that I might lose sanity.

I have always been better at expressing myself when I put it in writing. Writing is constant, real and something that I can rely on to when everything else fails. I hope I won't miss anything though. Then again, I can always write some more.

(c) TCB

Lets start by me telling you guys that this feels so new to me. I have been in relationships before, four to be exact in a span of more than 10 years. In average, each of my relationship lasted 4 years. It's a freaking long time, of which were not wasted as it made me grow as a person and made me appreciate what I feel and what I have right now even more.

I told you guys about my crush back in July. 4 months have gone by since then. I thought that my crushing on him will probably disappear as it did with my previous crush but instead I found myself just falling deeper for him as the days go by. Not that I am complaining... heh. I have also talked about love and what I think of it. It has changes slightly, how I feel, but in my opinion, those are extra added flavors to make it even more worthwhile.
 
In my previous relationships, it was always the guys who approached me, and they are all my bestfriends that ended up somehow as my jerks. Given my personality, I can understand why was it only those who are close to me ended up liking me because to be honest, I am someone that you might be having a hard time to understand. If you  asked me, I still have no idea what made them like me in the first place LOL.

The person that I thought I am in love with, well, turned out that was just me hallucinating. Or perhaps I did love him once but it sure didn't last. When he came back, I quickly realized that I have fallen totally out of love with him. There were nothing between us, we both know we won't make the other happy hence why I broke off the engagement few months before we were supposed to get married. I let everything go because in a way, I have found new love.

Or you can call it a crush if you want.  I don't particularly care. I know what I feel and that's all that matters.

In my previous post about love, I said that I don't get jealous. Well, not anymore and fuck I seriously hate that feeling. It is so fucking tiring. But as the Malay proverb goes, cemburu tandanya sayang (translation: jealousy is the sign of love), I guess it is sort of true. It's stupid though and I don't have any control over those feelings. I can however pretend that it doesn't affected me at all. Pretend is the key word because at the end of the day, it still hurts.

Karma is a bitch I guess. I often disregard my jerks when they said they were jealous XD

Friends who are close to me keep telling me how I have changed and I admit that indeed I have. It is something that I cannot control. I'm pretty much powerless. I am still me though. I just want to assure my friends that my resolves are not that weak.

Those friends know me as a socially awkward person. I hate people in general except for the special few who I regard as my friend. I preferred to stay in my room watching anime and reading books instead of hang out with my friends. 

Not anymore I don't. Part of it comes from my line of work but most of it because I enjoy the company I am with. I just have so much love to give that I feel it is a waste if I shy away from him. After all, I am the kind of person that take challenges by the horn. I just need to gather up my courage before I do that though.

Why the long wait? Well, I have to be sure and I have never been so sure in my entire life. Whenever I think about my future, he's in it and it makes me goes "FUCK GET OUT OF THE WAY!" LOL but it won't work. I can't imagine my life without him in it anymore. The fact that I now have hopes is not good. Hopes lead to expectations. Expectations lead to disappointment. Disappointment leads to fear. I am trying hard not to let all of these lead to suffering that spawn out of anger and hatred.

This might sounds like I'm putting so much pressure on him but like I said, love is supposed to be selfless and I still believe that. Love is something that you cannot force after all. Lets not forget that I am a big believer in fate as well :)

The reason why I am writing this post is simple. I feel vulnerable.

Me being me, I hate that.

Oh well, lets hope that this love story of mine has an incredible ending that isn't cliche.

To be continued...

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Light Writings: Crush II

Welp, looks like we are having this conversation again after so many years. Well 2 years and 3 months to be exact. The last time I wrote about my crush, I was in a different state of mind where I know it can be nothing more than just that, a crush.

So many shits are at stake and me being me, I let everything go. And I do mean everything, for the sake of entertaining this crush I have.

It all started almost a month ago. One day he's just a kid that I don't give a shit about, the next moment he's this prince charming that I just can't seem to resist at all. If that wasn't crushing, I dunno what is.

datfeel >////>

The timing really sucks though because I am supposed to get married like... this Saturday (LMAO I am not even kidding about this). 7th July 2012 is the date my jerk has picked for our wedding day but since neither of us give a fuck, we made no preparations at all. I think I was saved by the bell, or in this case, by this new crush of mine. 

This is real story bro, I am NOT making this up. The relationship between my jerk and I, it's pretty complicated, and only we understood how it worked. First of all, it's a long distance relationship (like most of my relationship are) since it's convenience for both of us. When I said we don't give a fuck about each other, I totally mean it. We met once in every 2-3 months. You figured that we would talk on the phone a lot right? Well, NO. We are both married to our work and that's that. I don't even care if he has an affair. I understand that man has needs.

And thus, he understood that I have needs to be fulfilled too.

So we broke off the engagement. Well, at least I did. Since I realized I have this crush on this guy, I have completely fallen out of love with my jerk. Instead of putting more effort into that relationship, I rather entertain my feelings for this guy. It's reckless as fuck but I know if I don't do this I will regret it and I don't do regrets.

I am not oblivious though. Given my age, there's nothing much I can do about this crush of mine. I understand the risk involved and I don't expect him to reciprocate my feelings either. Like I said, I have no expectation hence I won't be disappointed. I have calculated and am mentally prepared for everything. Besides, if it is just a crush, and I leave it be just like that, it will wear itself off as the time goes by. That was what happened to my first crush as well.

This is so mature of me, right? XD

I am not sure whether or not he knows. I think he knows otherwise he wouldn't lead me on. Urgh damn shouta, playing with fujoshi's heart...

But damn I missed him in all of my waking hours and let him in my dream when I'm asleep. I understand why girls give up their virginity now LOL

Crushing is bliss. It makes me feels like a teenager heh but I'll keep my chastity belt on. That is not negotiable.

p/s: So I guess you can't be in love with two different person at the same time. I tried but failed.

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Light Writings: A Poetry ~ Jangan Ketawa

So, I was reading a book by Zahiril Adzim titled Bogel Menuju Tuhan to kill time at my shop today. I was impressed by this actor. I never knew he is this talented. Too bad he is taken already. Anyway, long story short, reading his works gives me the urge to write myself. I was looking for pen and paper but since both was scarce, I started writing using Twitter as my medium. It end up to be a short poetry, dedicated to girls in general. Despite what the men say, the power is ours if you are steadfast and brave enough to recognize it.

this image has nothing to do with the poetry other than me trying to emphasize girls power
(c) pixiv id 236676

I tweak it a bit from the Twitter version. It is in Bahasa Melayu. I decided to call it Jangan Ketawa (Don't Laugh).

"Bukan ke kita bercinta?" Tegak aku ditanya. Pandang dia aku tidak. Tidak sampai hati membohongi. Ah sial, kenapa selalu begini?

Tak henti mendesak. Akhirnya aku kalah. "Tak biasa" jawab ku pendek. Eh dia gelak?

Aku tak nampak apa yang kelakar. Yang aku nampak menambah rasa menyampah. Kang ada aku anggap sampah.

Dulu ya memang aku cinta. Dulu ya memang aku sayang. Kini? Hanya rasa jelek. Benci tidak tapi apakah ini? Aku tidak mahu dicabuli.

Mana hak aku sebagai perempuan? Bukankah kau yang patut pertahan? Ini tidak, makin kau pijak dan hancurkan. Jauhkan.

Sudah. Aku kata sudah. Yang haram jangan kau halalkan. Aku bukan begitu. Aku bukan mainan. Aku ada agama dan pendirian.

Bebaskan.

Scrumbtious/Mr. Kombi
6.29pm
3 May 2012

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Light Writings: Love

My heart has been racing all day. The face of the person I love(d) keeps flashing in my mind's eye. It annoys the fuck out of me. Then I made a mistake of watching a Korean drama that I know will piss me off. Now I can't stop thinking about love, or the act of loving someone or be loved in return because obviously all Korean drama is centered around romance and they always have cliched ending. Fuck I hate that.

uguuu~
http://www.pixiv.net/member.php?id=217514

So here I am ranting about love from what I know and understand. But first let me tell you what people around me think of me, just so you have a better understanding how my mind works because even my closest friends seem to not know how it works. They are usually in awe because I always seems nonchalant about it, which is just a facade.

I love listening to people. I am good at it. I am even better at giving out advices. I am not exactly a certified person to solve anyone's problems but my friends kinda take it for granted and come to me when they have problems, most often than not, it has something to do with love, relationship or marriage. I always told them that it is irony that they are seeking my advice when I fucked up all my relationships. They don't seem to mind so I just told them what I think in regards to their problems. It wasn't necessarily an advice but they took it upon themselves to use it as one. Well, they can do whatever they fucking want. Miraculously, it often works to their favor so they keep coming back.

Fine. I don't mind. But sometimes it is a tad tiring. Some of them just love to create drama and caused hell to break loose. I smacked them and told them to fuck off. Seriously, why do you do things that will hurt your love one? It just doesn't make sense. I mean, shouldn't you be grateful to have someone who loves you in return? Jeebus, I swear people are fucking morons sometimes.

That includes me.

My problem is I can't say no. When my bestfriend said he likes me, I didn't have the heart to say that I didn't have any feelings for him. So we dated. I broke off with him twice in the span of four years we were together. I created hell for him on earth. I never treated him as the person I dated. The truth is I want him to remain as my bestfriend and nothing more. I know this from day one but because I can't say no, I made us endure four years of misery. Our relationship ended when he proposed to me. I facepalmed. I mean, after all I have done he still wanted to marry me? What is he? A masochist? LOL

After a year, I realized that he really did love me. And I did all those fucked up things because in my own twisted way, I did love him. I know for a fact that he won't be happy if we indeed ended up married to each other. I would treated him badly and I would be bitter to him and blame him for my unhappiness. Now he's married and I know I did the right thing even though it hurts him back then. He and I remain as best friend. My wish was granted.

I have only been in love once. My friends won't believe this because I don't actually talk to people about my feelings. They don't bother asking because from the outside, I don't seem to have a problem. I was in quite a number of open relationships which I ended when 2011 came so they must assumed that I'm quite loose when it comes to my feelings. They were dead wrong but meh who cares of what they think anyway?

Maybe because I have always wanted the extraordinary kind of love, I find it tiring when people told me that they like/love me. I usually get depressed when they did that because I feel obligated to return their feelings. I find no thrills in that. I try hard to avoid cliche ending to my love life. It's hard. Oh fuck it's hard.

So what is love? Well, I do not like making myself emotionally vulnerable. That's what love feels to me. I like to be in control of my emotions which is why I find it rather annoying when I started to feel lonely and unconsciously let my heart do the thinking. That's a tell tale sign that I am in love. Love is selfless. Some people think that being in love with someone means that you have to make them yours, by hook or by crook. I disagree. For me, being in love with someone means that I want the person that I am in love with live a happy life, even if I'm not included in that life of his. To be loved in return is everyone's dream but I often think it's suffocating. Like I said, I value my freedom emotionally and physically but people often will claim ownership once they are in a relationship. I don't think that's healthy. Or maybe it was just my defense mechanism activated. Maybe that's why I don't get jealous too.

To tell you the truth, I am in love at the moment although it is more like being in love with thin air. I ended a relationship few months ago. That's why I'm writing this tl;dr post. I realized that all my life, I have always been in love with this person ever since I was 15. That's half of my life span damn it. He has been my first in many things. We have gone through hell and back with different people. He even more so than I but because of circumstances, we had to call it off. I was slightly sad I guess because it's one relationship that I took seriously. Perhaps this is why the feeling of that love still lingers.

My friends don't understand this at all. For one, I wasn't mad when it ended. They thought I should be. To me, it just feel like we weren't fated to be together so why get frustrated for the things that is out of our control? Second, I treated him as friend first so despite our fall out we still remain as friends. This is another thing that my friends get mad at me about. Oh well, I guess I can't help it. He's a jerk after all. Third, I didn't go through the depressed mode at all so my friends doubted that I really was in love and assumed that it wasn't anything serious. I just don't tell them how sad I was. I was hoping they read between the lines and get the hint. I was hoping for too much.

So now that I have so much love to give, I don't know who to share it with which kinda melancholic. The question now is whether I will have my non-cliche ending or will I succumb to the pressure of life?

To be continued.

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Light writings: Loneliness

(c) ryouga

Today is Sunday. I have pretty much spent my day finishing few proposals for work and have a lunch date with an old friend of mine. When I got back, I read some of the manga that are in my reading list hoping that time will flies by quickly.

Yet here I am still feel unfulfilled. Empty.

It is one of those days again when I get so fucking ronery, I am at lost of what to do. I want to watch some anime but the thought of solving my loneliness with anime every single time kinda hit me as running away or escaping, though it work wonders especially if you watch some episode of Gintama or DMC, but that besides the point. The point is I am kinda tired of ignoring this feeling. I have been avoiding writing this post for quite a few times but there is no used pending it anymore. I need to face my loneliness. Perhaps if I understand why this feeling keeps pop up I can do something about it.

I have never look up what loneliness means before but according to wikipedia:

Loneliness is a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form strong interpersonal relationships.

Oh wow. Shit. That is so fucking real.

I have always choose solitude over social interaction and is fine with it. Why? How? Because it means that I don't make myself emotional available to anyone at all even though I am in open relationships. I am still in control of my bloody emotions. I don't allowed myself to get swept off my feet. I told myself that there is nothing wrong with being alone. I was content.

That is no longer the case though. Recently, and I dunno how or when, it just is, I fall for a guy who is such a jerk I dunno why I even put up with his shit. LOL no he isn't that bad. Things are just going at his pace is all.

Anyway, now that I understands about loneliness, I know why I feel so fucking lonely. This jerk of mine lives 3 states away. We are both busy individuals with big dreams to fulfill. We don't have the luxury to be with each other whenever we want to. At best we only got to see each other twice a month. We talk on the phone but I just realized it isn't enough. I have never yearn for companionship before but this time, I really do want him besides me. He is all I can think of.

I think I'm in love.

O shit.

I need to watch some anime.

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Light Writings: Crush

I am old. By old I mean in average I am 4 to 5 years older than most of you. Some people like the term mature. I don't care either way. You are what you are, no more no less.

But this post is not about my age (although it would be my birthday in few days time. To those who want to send me present, email me =D). This post is about a recent crush that I have. Considering my age, I should not be crushing on someone right now, especially when I have a boyfriend? LOL but I break the rules anyway.

It has been a while since I last post anything personal up on this blog. I try not to but since this blog is initially a place for me to let out my stress, I thought I should just go back to the roots and see how it goes.

I tend to like people a lot but I don't crush on people. There is a different in my opinion. Like is very generic while crush... well, you go fangasm about it in your waking hour. It's like you take the term 'like' and multiple it by a trillion. Since this can be considered my first crush, I think it sucks.

Well, not really. I lied a bit there.

First lemme tell you that I always fall for two type of guys. First, a guy with sense of humor and second, nerdy guy that gets what I am saying. The later is so much harder to find though. Even my boyfriend doesn't get what I am saying 70% of the time. But I forgive him because he does not watch anime or read manga. Obviously his brain development stopped after he graduated.

This crush of mine however is the embodiment of Gintama or Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu if you will. He has a great sense of humor. The funniest guy I have ever met. Obviously it does not take much for me to fall for him. But of course I would not fall for every guy that successfully makes me laugh. That's retarded. He just has that special something. He might looks dumb but there is a brain working 24/7 inside his skull. He is not all jokes and humor. When he gets serious, HE GETS SERIOUS. I have seen that side of him and it just makes me fangasm more. I think I squirted squealed a little too. You know who does he reminds me of? He reminds me of Gintoki! *faps*


Now do you understand me a little bit? How can I resist someone like Gintoki right? His force is too much. I can only succumb to the inevitable.

So which part of having a crush is sucks? The fact that I can't do anything about it. Few of my friends said I should just go for it. But two things stopped me.

• I already have a boyfriend. Technically (hehe :P)
• I am a lady's man. Most of the guys see me as their buddy. Its either because I act like one or I can relate to them. So I kinda think that I am in his buddy circle now -__-

There is also the age factor but meh, I rape the juveniles. Age does not mean shit when it comes to feelings.

Speaking of feelings, can you be in love with two different person at the same time?

p/s: to my internet husbands, I heart you XD

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Light Writings: Prying eyes

I came across an interesting question in writer's block archive in LJ. It asked 'Have you ever read someone's private writings (journal, diary, email, letters, etc.) without their permission?'

*thinks hard*

No, I haven't.

Because I know I would be royally pissed it if it happens to me. I value other people's privacy simply because I want people to value mine.

I know people who pries on other people though. In fact some of my friends have a habit of doing so to their boyfriend/girlfriend or worst husband/wife. They have become the e-stalker. It is something that is beyond my comprehension.

I don't operate that way, you see. To me, trust is the most important thing in a relationship. I can honestly say that I will not lost it if my boyfriend decides to meet or start a relationship other girls just as long as I hear it from his own mouth. I don't get jealous nor do I feel the need for revenge.

My friends called me crazy.

Well, let just say that I am a big believer of faith. If things are meant to be, it will be. If it doesn't, meh try hard as you might he will still slipped through your fingers.

But that is totally irrelevant to the topic now, isn't it? LOL

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