Light Writings: Love

My heart has been racing all day. The face of the person I love(d) keeps flashing in my mind's eye. It annoys the fuck out of me. Then I made a mistake of watching a Korean drama that I know will piss me off. Now I can't stop thinking about love, or the act of loving someone or be loved in return because obviously all Korean drama is centered around romance and they always have cliched ending. Fuck I hate that.

uguuu~
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So here I am ranting about love from what I know and understand. But first let me tell you what people around me think of me, just so you have a better understanding how my mind works because even my closest friends seem to not know how it works. They are usually in awe because I always seems nonchalant about it, which is just a facade.

I love listening to people. I am good at it. I am even better at giving out advices. I am not exactly a certified person to solve anyone's problems but my friends kinda take it for granted and come to me when they have problems, most often than not, it has something to do with love, relationship or marriage. I always told them that it is irony that they are seeking my advice when I fucked up all my relationships. They don't seem to mind so I just told them what I think in regards to their problems. It wasn't necessarily an advice but they took it upon themselves to use it as one. Well, they can do whatever they fucking want. Miraculously, it often works to their favor so they keep coming back.

Fine. I don't mind. But sometimes it is a tad tiring. Some of them just love to create drama and caused hell to break loose. I smacked them and told them to fuck off. Seriously, why do you do things that will hurt your love one? It just doesn't make sense. I mean, shouldn't you be grateful to have someone who loves you in return? Jeebus, I swear people are fucking morons sometimes.

That includes me.

My problem is I can't say no. When my bestfriend said he likes me, I didn't have the heart to say that I didn't have any feelings for him. So we dated. I broke off with him twice in the span of four years we were together. I created hell for him on earth. I never treated him as the person I dated. The truth is I want him to remain as my bestfriend and nothing more. I know this from day one but because I can't say no, I made us endure four years of misery. Our relationship ended when he proposed to me. I facepalmed. I mean, after all I have done he still wanted to marry me? What is he? A masochist? LOL

After a year, I realized that he really did love me. And I did all those fucked up things because in my own twisted way, I did love him. I know for a fact that he won't be happy if we indeed ended up married to each other. I would treated him badly and I would be bitter to him and blame him for my unhappiness. Now he's married and I know I did the right thing even though it hurts him back then. He and I remain as best friend. My wish was granted.

I have only been in love once. My friends won't believe this because I don't actually talk to people about my feelings. They don't bother asking because from the outside, I don't seem to have a problem. I was in quite a number of open relationships which I ended when 2011 came so they must assumed that I'm quite loose when it comes to my feelings. They were dead wrong but meh who cares of what they think anyway?

Maybe because I have always wanted the extraordinary kind of love, I find it tiring when people told me that they like/love me. I usually get depressed when they did that because I feel obligated to return their feelings. I find no thrills in that. I try hard to avoid cliche ending to my love life. It's hard. Oh fuck it's hard.

So what is love? Well, I do not like making myself emotionally vulnerable. That's what love feels to me. I like to be in control of my emotions which is why I find it rather annoying when I started to feel lonely and unconsciously let my heart do the thinking. That's a tell tale sign that I am in love. Love is selfless. Some people think that being in love with someone means that you have to make them yours, by hook or by crook. I disagree. For me, being in love with someone means that I want the person that I am in love with live a happy life, even if I'm not included in that life of his. To be loved in return is everyone's dream but I often think it's suffocating. Like I said, I value my freedom emotionally and physically but people often will claim ownership once they are in a relationship. I don't think that's healthy. Or maybe it was just my defense mechanism activated. Maybe that's why I don't get jealous too.

To tell you the truth, I am in love at the moment although it is more like being in love with thin air. I ended a relationship few months ago. That's why I'm writing this tl;dr post. I realized that all my life, I have always been in love with this person ever since I was 15. That's half of my life span damn it. He has been my first in many things. We have gone through hell and back with different people. He even more so than I but because of circumstances, we had to call it off. I was slightly sad I guess because it's one relationship that I took seriously. Perhaps this is why the feeling of that love still lingers.

My friends don't understand this at all. For one, I wasn't mad when it ended. They thought I should be. To me, it just feel like we weren't fated to be together so why get frustrated for the things that is out of our control? Second, I treated him as friend first so despite our fall out we still remain as friends. This is another thing that my friends get mad at me about. Oh well, I guess I can't help it. He's a jerk after all. Third, I didn't go through the depressed mode at all so my friends doubted that I really was in love and assumed that it wasn't anything serious. I just don't tell them how sad I was. I was hoping they read between the lines and get the hint. I was hoping for too much.

So now that I have so much love to give, I don't know who to share it with which kinda melancholic. The question now is whether I will have my non-cliche ending or will I succumb to the pressure of life?

To be continued.

Posted in: light writing, me as klux