Light writings: Loneliness

(c) ryouga

Today is Sunday. I have pretty much spent my day finishing few proposals for work and have a lunch date with an old friend of mine. When I got back, I read some of the manga that are in my reading list hoping that time will flies by quickly.

Yet here I am still feel unfulfilled. Empty.

It is one of those days again when I get so fucking ronery, I am at lost of what to do. I want to watch some anime but the thought of solving my loneliness with anime every single time kinda hit me as running away or escaping, though it work wonders especially if you watch some episode of Gintama or DMC, but that besides the point. The point is I am kinda tired of ignoring this feeling. I have been avoiding writing this post for quite a few times but there is no used pending it anymore. I need to face my loneliness. Perhaps if I understand why this feeling keeps pop up I can do something about it.

I have never look up what loneliness means before but according to wikipedia:

Loneliness is a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form strong interpersonal relationships.

Oh wow. Shit. That is so fucking real.

I have always choose solitude over social interaction and is fine with it. Why? How? Because it means that I don't make myself emotional available to anyone at all even though I am in open relationships. I am still in control of my bloody emotions. I don't allowed myself to get swept off my feet. I told myself that there is nothing wrong with being alone. I was content.

That is no longer the case though. Recently, and I dunno how or when, it just is, I fall for a guy who is such a jerk I dunno why I even put up with his shit. LOL no he isn't that bad. Things are just going at his pace is all.

Anyway, now that I understands about loneliness, I know why I feel so fucking lonely. This jerk of mine lives 3 states away. We are both busy individuals with big dreams to fulfill. We don't have the luxury to be with each other whenever we want to. At best we only got to see each other twice a month. We talk on the phone but I just realized it isn't enough. I have never yearn for companionship before but this time, I really do want him besides me. He is all I can think of.

I think I'm in love.

O shit.

I need to watch some anime.

Posted in: light writing, me as klux