I am in a totally shitty mood at the moment. The fact that I am not feeling too well just made my mood crappier if that is even possible. I need to let few things out of my chest and like I've said this is the only place that I can be totally honest. So here I go, another random post. It's either I do this or jump off from my window, which definitely won't kill me thus making me more depressed.
(c) numeri1. I can say that I am the happiest when I'm alone, with no string attached to anyone. Even when someone said that they like me, I would totally take those words as a joke, just so that I won't have to face the emotional burden that will come with it.
2. When people telling me that they are serious, that's when I will go down the road of being emotionally unstable. I'm not the kind of person who will said no when presented with such situation. The only answer I can give is yes, just so that I won't hurt the other party. I was in a relationship for four years because I can't say no. Needless to say we both suffered. He more so than I because I'm the one who fucked it up just so he can let me go. Well, surprised surprised my plan backfired -__-
3. I think I'm a chaser. I like the thrill of it even if it ends up with nothing. At least I know I have given my all and there is nothing left that I can do. I don't take that as a negative, just another experience in my life that help me realized that you don't always end up with everything that you want though we usually ended up being the best of buddies. So it's awesome.
4. When the contrary happened, I just feel so freaking tired. Hell, it was damn exhausting. Most probably because I feel an obligation to do my part. Maybe I feel this way because I was forcing my heart to accept certain facts in life that my head has conjured up. It's not easy. Maybe one of these days I'll get the hang of it.
5. I have a totally screwed up way of being romantic, or to be in love. Typical is no way in hell describes how I perceived those things. If you expect some lovey dovey moment, you better off with someone else. I'm just not programmed to do those things, or maybe I just build up a freaking shield just to protect myself emotionally. *shrugs*
6. Those who have taken interest in me are usually very close to me, i.e. they are my friends who understand how I operate which is bizarre because I'm so like Haruhi in term of personality. So kudos to these guys for putting up with my shit *chuckles*I "love" you guys
7. The word "I love you" is something that I have only uttered once (and totally mean it too) in my 29 years of life. I take those three words very seriously. Saying that is like making myself vulnerable i.e. the possibility for me to get hurt just got higher. I don't like that. So, you know I'm damn serious with you if you heard me saying that. Unless of course if I was joking around with you XD
8. I have been in and out of a relationship with this one guy since I was 15. It has going on for almost 15 years. I dunno how we both put up with the other's shit but amazingly, we both saw passed that and pretty much live in the moment. Obviously we both have something against commitment hence why we haven't settling down yet. Not to mention that we both live a busy life with close to 400km separating us. Or maybe he's just not that into me. LOL
9. I've been having an open and long distance relationship status for five years now. Is it working out? It has in the past but at the moment, I'm not too sure though I still love to keep my options open.
10. Someone very wise said that I am only making up excuses and run away from committing myself because I am selfish and do not want to get out of my comfort zone. He was obviously right but am I ready to change? That's the million dollar question at the moment. But I'm not getting any younger, am I?
11. Having said all that, I have a very ironic dream of wanting to be a wife and a mother to my children. *facepalm*
Hah, I feel so much better. Less suicidal. Heh. Now I'm in the mood to chase the love of my life whose serial number is 8177.
28.
5 comments:
Never i in my entire life had been so sad to actually want to kill myself (*lies*), seriously, i had a broken heart (once) and i broke a lot of hearts (more than once), but overall, hanging out with friends, drinking, playing futsal et cetera... all helped me to get away from my losses...
I am just like you klux, have a strong shell outside but i am very moe moe from the inside... don't like to commit myself to others (girls), because having a girlfriend means a lot of business...but i do need love and affection like everybody else...so that's why i'm always in DA-MOVE... hahah whaddya say ?
I cheer for the best of you and your fella.
less suicidal *thumbs up* if venting helps, do it more often.
i usually keep the personal stuff private but im pretty anti-social to say the least, so im happiest when im alone too. i hate drama, life is much easier without it XD still i would want to be in a relationship just to experience that bond... but why wont anyone pursue me?! haha now im depressed, thanks a lot klux :P
but yeah, your pretty cool and crazy so i hope you have less shitty moments and stuff :D
lol so I'm moe now? =3
and I'm gonna take that crazy part as a compliment Mr. Lee XD
p/s: maybe... just maybe, I'm loyal as fuck?
Love is weird. I'm really glad your rant made you feel less suicidal. That's what blogs are for right?
Anyways, feel better. ^ ^
Actually, after I wrote this entry, lots of good things have happened to lift up my mood. I'm happy as a clam atm.
Go figure. Love is indeed weird ^_^
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