It has been a while since I write anything personal. I guess I
just need an outlet to express how I feel nowadays. To be honest, things
are going too good for me at the moment to the point that I am sort of
living in fear for I do not want these extremely good
feelings, and the love I have for him to end. If all these are gone tomorrow, there is a big probability that I might lose sanity.
I have always been better at expressing myself when I put it in writing. Writing is constant, real and something that I can rely on to when everything else fails. I hope I won't miss anything though. Then again, I can always write some more.
Lets start by me telling you guys that this feels so new to me. I have been in relationships before, four to be exact in a span of more than 10 years. In average, each of my relationship lasted 4 years. It's a freaking long time, of which were not wasted as it made me grow as a person and made me appreciate what I feel and what I have right now even more.
I told you guys about my crush back in July. 4 months have gone by since then. I thought that my crushing on him will probably disappear as it did with my previous crush but instead I found myself just falling deeper for him as the days go by. Not that I am complaining... heh. I have also talked about love and what I think of it. It has changes slightly, how I feel, but in my opinion, those are extra added flavors to make it even more worthwhile.
In my previous relationships, it was always the guys who approached me, and they are all my bestfriends that ended up somehow as my jerks. Given my personality, I can understand why was it only those who are close to me ended up liking me because to be honest, I am someone that you might be having a hard time to understand. If you asked me, I still have no idea what made them like me in the first place LOL.
The person that I thought I am in love with, well, turned out that was just me hallucinating. Or perhaps I did love him once but it sure didn't last. When he came back, I quickly realized that I have fallen totally out of love with him. There were nothing between us, we both know we won't make the other happy hence why I broke off the engagement few months before we were supposed to get married. I let everything go because in a way, I have found new love.
Or you can call it a crush if you want. I don't particularly care. I know what I feel and that's all that matters.
In my previous post about love, I said that I don't get jealous. Well, not anymore and fuck I seriously hate that feeling. It is so fucking tiring. But as the Malay proverb goes, cemburu tandanya sayang (translation: jealousy is the sign of love), I guess it is sort of true. It's stupid though and I don't have any control over those feelings. I can however pretend that it doesn't affected me at all. Pretend is the key word because at the end of the day, it still hurts.
Karma is a bitch I guess. I often disregard my jerks when they said they were jealous XD
Friends who are close to me keep telling me how I have changed and I admit that indeed I have. It is something that I cannot control. I'm pretty much powerless. I am still me though. I just want to assure my friends that my resolves are not that weak.
Those friends know me as a socially awkward person. I hate people in general except for the special few who I regard as my friend. I preferred to stay in my room watching anime and reading books instead of hang out with my friends.
Not anymore I don't. Part of it comes from my line of work but most of it because I enjoy the company I am with. I just have so much love to give that I feel it is a waste if I shy away from him. After all, I am the kind of person that take challenges by the horn. I just need to gather up my courage before I do that though.
Why the long wait? Well, I have to be sure and I have never been so sure in my entire life. Whenever I think about my future, he's in it and it makes me goes "FUCK GET OUT OF THE WAY!" LOL but it won't work. I can't imagine my life without him in it anymore. The fact that I now have hopes is not good. Hopes lead to expectations. Expectations lead to disappointment. Disappointment leads to fear. I am trying hard not to let all of these lead to suffering that spawn out of anger and hatred.
This might sounds like I'm putting so much pressure on him but like I said, love is supposed to be selfless and I still believe that. Love is something that you cannot force after all. Lets not forget that I am a big believer in fate as well :)
The reason why I am writing this post is simple. I feel vulnerable.
Me being me, I hate that.
Oh well, lets hope that this love story of mine has an incredible ending that isn't cliche.
To be continued...